Kate Crisp (PDN Director)

How Would You Respond?

You have a prison pen pal, who has basically no resources or family on the outside. He/she continues to request that you send money or goods (clothing, food, magazines, etc.) to them. After all ..arent' you really a "friend"? And don't friends help each other out?

Bo Lozoff in his "advice for prison correspondents' recommends this approach (when talking to a prisoner about this):
"Almost everyone in prison is broke, and almost everyone has material needs that aren't being met. But that's not what your pen-pal relationship is about. If you try to make it into that, you will probably lose a good friend. Which will do you more good in the long run, twenty bucks for a radio, or a life-long friend? "

Do you agree with Bo? Or do you think that helping out with a few bucks or presents once in awhile is okay? What would you say in response to this type of request?

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Douglas RayPermalink Reply by Douglas Ray on September 28, 2009 at 2:28pm
My response to this is to practice the Middle Way. Not getting caught up in the extremes of "always this way" or "never that way," but to try to be appropriately responsive to the situation arising in the present moment. To give or not give? Maybe, maybe not. Having been behind bars for many years in the past, I do understand sometimes a few bucks can make a world of difference to a person cut-off from society & employment. Some prisoners do have very low-paying "jobs " Inside. (I think I made two dollars a day when I was in Shelton prison.) Not much, for sure, but as Clay D. pointed out, the State does provide the essentials for living. Housing, clothing & food is provided, plus a very (generally) low-quality medical service. Some people Inside have family & friends who can help, some not.
And something I do take into consideration is how long the person is being incarcerated? A couple more years or Life without Parole? I might think more seriously about sending a few bucks to a person who will never see the Streets again & whose outside family & friends have pretty much cast them aside. In fact, a prisoner I have been corresponding with for several years, as a Dharma mentor/friend, is in just that situation & I am trying to decide just what I will do help. He has hinted that he could really use some stamps & I know he could. Some prisons allow you to send stamps in a letter direct to the prisoner, some do not. I will ask him next letter.
This same person, several years ago when he first started writing from Death Row (death sentence eventually converted to Life without Parole) asked me to do some running around, doing some things for him & a family member who was in dire straights. I politely but firmly declined, saying that he would have to find other people to do those things. I was his spiritual friend & wanted to keep that clear. He has struggled with Dharma practice, on again & off again, but really has good heart, he just does not give up, for which I am proud of him.
Something I read once in one of Bo Lozoffs books has really been a guide for over the years. (I think it came from Ram Dass's Guru in India?)
"Do whatever you must with people, but never shut anyone out of your heart, even for a moment."
Pretty good advice I think. :)
Bows to you all,
Doug R.
Julian JohnsonPermalink Reply by Julian Johnson on December 20, 2009 at 10:55am
It really does depend on the relationship as stated. I never asked for a thing even from family. Wanted to have a Spartan life style as part of rebellion against the system. Everything I had was state made, Felt like if they wanted to keep me there I was going to take all I could. I understand that was a bit silly, and made it hard on myself with no effect on the state. I have to say that prisons are getting tighter with suplies and things such as cosmetics and toiletries, heck I can remember when California gave out free tobabco ( ha, that is just wrong)
Tamon Mark UttechPermalink Reply by Tamon Mark Uttech on November 20, 2010 at 9:00am
Onegaishimasu, I would send envelopes, paper, even a self-stamped envelope... And keep writing and encourage the other to keep writing. This keeps the communication line open; which is the important thing.

In gassho,

tamonmark
Chris de OcejoPermalink Reply by Chris de Ocejo on November 20, 2010 at 6:08pm
It strikes me that Bo is offering advice to someone in prison, rather than the person on the outside. I've not been to prison, so I cannot comment on what I would do or want if I were in prison (except to say that I'd want to be out as soon as possible).

That said, if someone wants a $20 radio more than a life-long friend, I see no reason to deny them their wish. I'm middle-class; $20 to me is relatively little in the grand scheme of things. It costs me relatively little to give so that someone can have something (a radio) which may bring them and others a great deal of joy.

Frankly, I've tried taking the position that being taught the Dharma is more important for a person than the material things they ask of me, and I don't like what happens. When I'm asked this, a power-dynamic immediately appears. It makes me uncomfortable.

When I don't give, I discover (1) resentment toward the person, because I'm uneasy, (2) regret, that I let someone down; (3) continued discomfort, questioning whether what I did was right; (4) a running inner monologue reinforcing why my decision was the correct decision to make; (5) seeking to avoid future situations where this may occur, that is, around people who have less than I do and may be inclined to ask me to share my bounty; (6) a will to ignorance: to avoid thinking that someone, somewhere, is in need of something that I can readily do without.

When I do give, I discover (1) a sense of gratitude that someone would ask my help; (2) a sense of joy, however small, that I could be of help to someone; (3) an end to my discomfort; (4) an inner monologue, if any, wondering at the fact that I really didn't need what I gave in the first place; (5) seeking out more situations where I can give, because of the thrill that it creates; (6) a deeper appreciation of how much I have, how little I genuinely need, how much the little that I have can increase someone's happiness, and the realization that so very, very much of "me" is made up of the random assortment of things I "own."

Because of this my tendency is to give, rather than hold back. Am I being of genuine use to another person? I don't know; but then, I never did know and never can know. Sometimes, when people give to me, it has been the cause of suffering to myself; other times, it has allowed me to grow and learn. Material things are neutral; whether they can harm or help one depends upon the use to which one puts it. So it's ultimately up to the person asking to determine what the outcome will be. But I, for my part, find greater happiness and less attachment in the process, so it's to my benefit to give anyway.

It's a practice, anyway, so it's not like I need to up and sell all my possessions or anything any more than I need to be able to master the 4 dhyanas in an afternoon. Just: practice. And see what happens.
Tamon Mark UttechPermalink Reply by Tamon Mark Uttech on November 21, 2010 at 5:41am
Onegaishimasu, in my opinion, keeping the communication line open is more important than anything. It is so easy to know that one thing leads to another. A good friendship is a rare jewel; becoming a good friend is a stable practice.

In gassho,

tamonmark
IrisPermalink Reply by Iris on December 31, 2010 at 11:13am

   I agree with Bo'sadvice. I encountered ths stuation recently with a girl-youth whom I have been corresponding with for over a year. She began to ask me for money. One or CD's and another time for hygiene items. It upset me deeply. I asked for advice from PDN and was given some great guidance on line with what Bo suggests. I did not want to be her piggybank, I wanted to be someone she could turn to for relevent advice on how to be positive and helpful in life and guide her in her Buddhist journey.

  I told her no in a nice and caring way and I have not heard from her since. It is not our responsibility to make decisions for those we corespond with and befriend. It is our  resonsibility to give positive and realistic advice. You cannot make someone understand or agree with everthing you say.  

 

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