Mentors: Are You Going Too Fast?

Greetings,

The following is an excerpt from one of our prisoners participating in the Prison Dharma Network correspondence mentor program. The question his letter raises is how do we decide as mentors if we are going "too fast" (or perhaps too slow) for our pen pal? Should we should "check in" with them occasionally to make sure we are going at a pace they can keep up with? Please read on and tell us how you as a mentor decide if you are going to fast or too slow and what questions you ask of your pen pals to ensure that they are not getting left behind or feeling frustrated:

"I am meditating cause it helps me keep from anger and it helps keep me calm. I need another pen pal please because the other one keeps pushing me to do this and that too fast! I told her I am trying to learn but she is going too fast for me!"

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Permalink Reply by JoAnna Allen on February 22, 2009 at 9:48am
I thought I'd enter this conversation and the other about a female corresponding with a male to initiate my blogging on PDN. I've had an amazing correspondence with a NC inmate who I met through a meditation sangha a friend took me to in June 07. He initiated the request through my friend, asking if I would write. He is an aspiring writer of science fiction, and made it clear at the outset that his grammar and spellling were quite bad.
Permalink Reply by JoAnna Allen on February 22, 2009 at 10:22am
Sorry, I clicked on something and my message posted prematurely. When I tried to edit, the new materials didn't post so I'll try again To continue:
I began typing up his letters and stories to help him improve his spelling etc. and to help him have a journal for attaching to him when he is released. He is a sex offender and was quite upfront and straightforward about his background. Luckily he was able to take part in an excellent recovery program. The amazing thing is the volume of our exchanges, a binder full, and the discussions we have gotten into such as the difference between cruel and mean. We even began to limit ourselves to eight single spaced pages, typed or handwritten. I have learned much from him that has helped in my interactions with inmates at my local jail and have helped him to prepare for release in May. I nudge him to keep up his meditation as when his minimum security work became long days. There were times when we wrote weekly and another time when we had a six week gap. My husband is supportive and unquestioning but it helps that I'm in my sixties and two states away. My inmate is divorced with two children. When I asked him why he wanted to correspond, he replied that I was polar opposites to him in many ways which he named--education, race, etc.. As a teacher, I( found this an irresistible incentive to continue!
Permalink Reply by Ed Knight on November 6, 2009 at 8:21pm
putting together a journal for someone. What a great idea. I'm just starting.
Permalink Reply by Kate on March 7, 2009 at 10:00pm
It would help to know what the pen pal is suggesting the prisoner do. I would think the pen pal is enthusiastic and perhaps over eager? Has the prisoner told this to the pen pal or are they afraid? We need to respect that all of us are on different levels (so to speak) on the path. I will definitely be aware of this with my pen pal.
Permalink Reply by Kate Crisp (PDN Director) on March 8, 2009 at 11:19am
Hi Kate...from the looks of his letter, I dont think he told the pen pal..he just requested we get him a new one rather than deal with what he reported was too much pressure. All in all good feedback. best, kate
Permalink Reply by Ayla on August 14, 2009 at 12:02pm
If they are pushing you and you are still trying to catch up, and they are not respecting your needs then I would find someone who will be patient with you and go at a pace that works for you. You are the one who is learning after all and
I think that as mentors we must take that into consideration when we sign up to become a mentor. We need to understand that not only are we doing good deeds and helping people better their lives but also that if the people are taking this "change" seriously then we need to go at a pace that is suitable for them and take our time and be patient for/ with them. But this is only my opinion.
If I had a penpal I would first state in my first ever letter/email to them that if I am ever going at a pace that does not suit them and i need to go slower or explain something more clearly to let me know and i will adjust my pace, explain clearer ect.
Permalink Reply by N Palmo on January 5, 2010 at 6:39pm
Boy, that's a shame it didn't work out for them.
I will start by telling my pen pal to let me know what pace he would like to go with
I will be there to help him...to guide not to direct...
Permalink Reply by Juanita Rice on September 15, 2010 at 11:09pm
I certainly empathize with the situation. I am just beginning. I will have to remember to mostly listen and respond only to questions. I was once in a wonderful "Love & Power" workshop. We did an exercise in "rescuing" someone. Which meant we had to make them lay down on the stretcher, metaphorically. Rescuing is ultimately invalidating. I hope I establish a relationship in which my friend will feel free to tell me to back off!! And then, if I am the one a prisoner complains about, I must remember that often prisoners have not learned to handle relationships happily. A friend's dislike of our offering does not make us failures. It just means we have failed to find a more skillful way. (Is this really from January 29? I am having some mind-bends on the website...losing threads, thinking I'm the only talker. ??)
Permalink Reply by Kate Crisp (PDN Director) on October 13, 2010 at 8:34am
Hi Juanita..thanks for picking up the thread on this one....current discussions generally show at the top of the list on the home page...but all discussions from past years are here as a resource since there is some good material folks have contributed in the various 'categories'...thanks!
Permalink Reply by Iris on October 18, 2010 at 8:16pm
I know for me , I try and let my penpal decide the pace. I ask questions and be as honest as I can. I like to think of being penpals as a learning and growing experiene for the both of us. I want to know what they think as much as they want to know what I think. If both are honest and ready the pace will come. I think slower is more beneficial as the material gets full attention.
Good luck friends, Iris

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