New Dharma Mentor

I have recently started writing my pen pal David in Louisiana. He doesn't seem very interested in Buddhism. He told me that the only "meditation" that he does is sort of zoning out on different objects. He doesn't discuss charges or problems with me and sort of uses me as a venting board. Complaining about the guards and how sort of ignorant he thinks everyone is. I try to keep things positive and on topic but in his last letter, the fifth so far, he started asking personal things about my family and asking for family pictures and stuff. Of course I am comfortable discussing my family life and my personal experience with him but I am not going to send pictures. In fact I am feeling like I should cut off correspondence to find someone who is interested in Buddhism and expanding their consciousness.

I feel like my reason for doing this service is to try and alleviate some suffering. Maybe I should find someone who is open to the path, so that I can help them.

With Metta,

Jason

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Permalink Reply by Carter (PDN Admin) on March 23, 2010 at 1:49pm
Hey Jason,

That sounds pretty frustrating! I appreciate your patience with David so far. Please do not feel obligated by any sense to talk about your family or send pictures or anything like that. I'd suggest writing David and telling him something similar to the last line of this post- that you signed up to be a Dharma mentor because you want to try and alleviate suffering, and that what you've noticed is that he hasn't shown interest in this. Ask him if he is interested in your help in this regard. If not, let him know there are regular pen pal services, and of course that cutting off correspondence is nothing personal, but your desire is once again to alleviate suffering through mediation etc.

Let me know if you have any questions and I hope it goes well with David. Good luck and thanks for your work to alleviate suffering :)

Best,
Samara
Permalink Reply by Kate Crisp (PDN Director) on March 24, 2010 at 4:13pm
Yea, I'd give him some empathy about his issues but try to gently establish a boundary that you are here to help support him in dealing with the struggles of incarceration by using the tool of meditation, etc. Ask him if he is interested in that or if he just needs a 'friend' as a pen pal, which like Samara said above..there are tons of generic pen pal sites on the web and he is probably aware of them.. I think its important to be 'friends' with your correspondents but to also balance that with supporting them on the path and to stress to him that you signed on to this through PDN and we are all about the contemplative path as a way to transform the prison experience. Please let us know how that sounds or how this plays out Jason.
Kate @ PDN
ps you can also always use this statement from Bo Lozoff that was in the original agreement page when you signed up:

Suggestions for prisoners (copy this if you wish and send to your prisoner pen pal):

Your pen-pal is neither your Guru nor your disciple, but a potential friend. Remember that friendship is a two-way street. This is a chance for you to really get to know your self through connecting with an other human being . . . There is no need to lie, impress or seek approval. Are you really interested in his or her life, instead of just using them as a sounding board for your complaints or grand philosophies? Your pen pal wants to know you, not be impressed by you. We all get dealt a hand of cards in this lifetime and only a few chances to put them on the table.


Almost everyone in prison is broke, and almost everyone has material needs that aren't being met. But that's not what your pen-pal relationship is about. If you try to make it into that, you will probably lose a good friend. Which will do you more good in the long run, twenty bucks for a radio, or a life-long friend? Your pen-pal may be a little nervous about various aspects of your life and current situation. You do not have to pamper them or hide your reality, but please try to understand their difficulties and help address them.


Remember that everyone in the free world also has problems. It really is true "we are all doing time" one way or another, so both of you can try to help each other see and dismantle those prisons of the mind, which are far more limiting than any prison of concrete and steel. Take time to listen deeply to what is communicated, and let your response come from a place of reflection, not reaction.


Enjoy the gift of it all; friendship, spiritual growth and an opportunity to study the connection between true freedom and self knowledge. (from Bo Lozoff, Human Kindness Foundation, used with his permission)
Permalink Reply by Tracy Steele on March 29, 2010 at 3:05pm
Jason,

I'm so glad that you posted this. The responses have been helpful to me. I have a new pen pal who doesn't seem interested in practicing or discussing the dharma. She seems more interested in having someone to listen to her. I thought it would be good to establish a friendship but I wanted to be sure not to get too far removed from our purpose. This discussion has been helpful! I hope you'll continue to post.

with love
Tracy
Permalink Reply by Jason Ray Parrish on March 31, 2010 at 12:28am
I have taken the suggestions here from the forum and I thank you all so much for your kind input and appreciate your Dharma Mentor experience.

I wrote David and told him that I wanted my family to maintain their anonymity so I wouldn't be sending pictures and told him about how the Dhamma has helped mold my life and how fortunate we would all be if like minded people used their time on the inside to cultivate their mind and sharpen their wisdom. The prison Ashram idea.

I hope that this would inspire his practice a bit. Then I told him that my goal in writing was to share my dhamma experience and help to guide meditation growth. I included a sutta to Rahula. The similie of the water pot. Which has some basic mindfulness trainings.

I will post a response when I get one. Thank you for your kind suggestions. I hope this thread will benefit others.

With Metta,
Jason
Permalink Reply by Carter (PDN Admin) on April 5, 2010 at 5:55pm
Your response sounds right on.

Yes, please keep us posted!

With metta,
Samara
Permalink Reply by Jason Ray Parrish on April 6, 2010 at 12:02am
David responded today,

He asked that I send him a copy of "The Wiccan Bible" and recommended a few different sites I could pick it up from. He said that his Buddhist practice was to help ground him in his Wicca practice.

I started this thread because I could tell something was up and wanted to know how to handle it. Things unfolded very differently than I had imagined but I think it points to the fact that I should trust my gut feelings. Giving and sharing in the Dhamma, on the rare occasions I have been able to, is very rewarding and an uplifting spiritual experience. That was not the feeling that I got from this interaction, I knew something was not quite right.

Now I plan on writing David and letting him know that although I don't have any real problems with Wiccan I am not going to be sending a book. I have a friend who is into Wicca and I will pass his information along to her, in case she would like to aid in his spiritual journey. Finally, diligently I will get another penpal and participate in this beautiful experience of sharing the Dhamma. I am just beginning my service work with prisoners and consider this just a reminder to stay true to the path.

Thank you all for your guidance,
With Metta,

Jason
Permalink Reply by Carter (PDN Admin) on April 8, 2010 at 1:55pm
Thank you for sharing your experience here! I think it is valuable for people to read about.

I'm glad you are so diligently pressing forward with your passion to give and share in the Dhamma. We're lucky to have your commitment!

With metta,
Samara

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