Pen-pal programs

Does anyone know of any that are good?  I checked out "Write-an-Inmate" but it seems to be full of guys are gals who are looking for something more than a platonic correspondence.  I don't have enough experience with meditation to be a mentor, and I think I'd be fooling myself and another if I passed myself off as anyone with any definitive answers.  But I am trying to sincerely follow Dharma, and am very open-minded and non judgmental.  So far, I'm writing people I know personally, but am willing to extend that circle to those I do not know, preferably for those looking for a spiritual friend.  

Any suggestions?  

With love,

~Aaron

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Permalink Reply by Aaron Quinley on October 30, 2010 at 6:39pm
After greater consideration, and noticing the nature of the wind, I believe I will follow my own momentum on this one. <3
Permalink Reply by Tonia Davenport on November 5, 2010 at 8:19pm
Aaron, I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. I would love to hear if anyone has any advice to offer.
Permalink Reply by Aaron Quinley on November 5, 2010 at 9:37pm
Through this site, in the few weeks I've been on here, I've begun writing a few people I don't actually know personally. Of course my bigger concern in the long run is corresponding with people who have little to no support. Ultimately it's all good either way though.

What are your goals regarding correspondence, Tonia?
Permalink Reply by Tonia Davenport on November 6, 2010 at 11:17am
Same as you, I think, Aaron. I am looking to connect (in a platonic way) with people in prison who have little support and offer them a bit of friendship, support and just basically let them know they're not forgotten. I too checked out write-a-prisoner, but wasn't quite sure that was the best way in. I wish I knew how to get in touch with even one person.
Permalink Reply by Chris de Ocejo on November 6, 2010 at 12:11pm
Tonia and Aaron,

I worked as a drug- and alcohol-counselor to the mentally-ill, which happened to include (unsurprisingly) some people getting out of prison (well, the state psychiatric prison... which frankly is a far more hellish place than your average prison). Like y'all, I had definite visions of how the relationship would/should go; like you I wanted to offer friendship and support in a process of recovering, rehabilitation and re-entry.

... which was my first mistake. One of the things I learned very quickly is that I was dealing with people who had spent most of their lives being dicked around (excuse the language). "The System" - our legal, mental-health, and welfare systems, not to mention our society - had no interest in these folks as people. And these folks, quite understandably, have come to expect as much. So yeah, 99% of the time they aren't looking for tender human contact, they're looking to get what they feel they need to be able to survive. My clients had no interest in talking to us counselors unless there were cigarettes, coffee, car-rides etc in it for them.

You can either take that personally (which I don't recommend because it leads to burn-out quickly) or you can accept that this is a part of the terrain, and a part of what someone who sincerely wants to help has to work with.

Bernie Glassman Roshi, from the Zen Peacemaker Order, says you need three things to be an effective peacemaker which I think is true for anybody who wants to help: (1) not-knowing, (2) bearing witness, (3) compassionate action. Not-knowing, for me, is the trickiest because I'm a guy and I like to solve problems and I've got an ego the size of Detroit so I go in thinking I need to fix things with my superior know-how. Nine point nine times out of ten, my know-how isn't useful.

I'm better at bearing witness, if I can get to that point, because it means just being present with what is. That's what meditation practice is for - learning to sit with what is - and while I'm not very good at this meditation business, I've got a decent grasp on how one goes about it.

Compassionate action is, of course, where I'm a viking. That's where I feel like I get to put on my Superman cape and save the day; but if I've done the not-knowing and the bearing witness bits right, that never actually happens. Usually, for me, the compassionate action is a let down because when I do it right, it's usually just me getting out of the way so that the person I'm "helping" can shine.

In your guys' situation... I think y'all are just gonna have to tough through a lot to get to the stuff that you're looking for. But expect it to be nothing like what you want or expect.
Permalink Reply by Tonia Davenport on November 6, 2010 at 12:42pm
I am humbled by your experience, Chris. Thanks so much for sharing your insight, and everything you said makes perfect sense. What you said about compassion is very wise. I really do believe there is value in every human being and I'm very open to the process. I have no preconceived notions of how any interaction may play out, but I sure would like the opportunity to try . . .
Permalink Reply by Chris de Ocejo on November 6, 2010 at 4:00pm
... then go for it! And: it's worth it.
Permalink Reply by carolyn mason on June 30, 2011 at 6:58pm

wow what a great statement: I have been a social worker in mental health for 10 years: Yes, what you write is so very true: thanks for sharing.

carolyn

Permalink Reply by Lisa on August 20, 2011 at 5:21pm

Chris -

I know it's been months since your post, but I just found it today.  Thanks (too small a word) for your fierce presence!

Lisa

Permalink Reply by Aaron Quinley on September 22, 2012 at 10:54am

Lisa,

Although I am interested, I would make a poor pen pal these days.  My plate is quite full, is about to be much fuller, and I do write several people as it is; I think I would make a poor pen pal at the present time.  However, if your son is interested in Buddhist practice, I do have some Buddhist resources that may be beneficial to him--pen pal programs, as well as educational ones. 

Permalink Reply by june on November 8, 2010 at 9:23am
Reading this is very helpful. My experience so far, is that I connected with a woman who wrote beautiful letters,10 pages long. She herself is a buddhist practitioner who writes to many people to help them. I felt it was she who was helping me. After a few months she stopped writing. I did not pursue it because it seems that she did not need anything from me that I could give her. She is looking forward to becoming a buddhist teacher when she gets out next year.
Then I decided to write to a man who is in prison for life, and he has not responded to my first letter.
Permalink Reply by John Jameson on November 8, 2010 at 1:44pm
Hi June- lovely to read replys. I think the best you can do is to simply put yourself/oneself out there by writing in the first place. That a person does not respond is not really the point, what matters is ones 'intention'. I would find it wierd at first writing to some one I do not know and I do believe that in the first instance we have nothing to offer a person except our openness and our willingness. It is only after real correspondance, when a connection has been made, that we may be of help to a person in prison. James.

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