My take on fear has evolved over time.

After an assault, I carried a pistol with me for a time. I thought I would be less fearful with this.

At Naropa University, a school rooted in the Shambhala Buddhist tradition, we discussed Abhaya - Fearlessness. It is complex. Essentially, for a long time I understood it as fearlessness without hubris.

Discussing warriorship, I came to understand that being a Shambhala Warrior means adopting enough abhaya to be open and gentle. I got rid of the pistol.

Now I see Abhaya as not letting fear "drive." I feel fear. Every time I hear an anti-trans epithet as I walk down the street, I fear another assault. But the fear doesn't get to drive.

Abhaya = fearless = fear isn't a driving force in my life

Rather I feel safe in asking the utterer of some slur why they feel that way, or simply continue walking without again taking up arms, I am not failing as a warrior by feeling fear: I wish to never undergo another assault - I fear assault. I wish to stay alive. I fear more damage or even my death by the hands of the transphobic - I fear death and damage.

What has changed in my exploration of fear and fearlessness? I don't let fear drive my actions. For now, that is enough.