Transphobia, Shenpa, & Practice

I leave for my final required CIIS academic intensive in a couple of days. I had been looking forward to the trip. Seeing so many members of my cohort in one place, discussing Systems Theory and Complexity with folks who care, and enjoying the Pacific Ocean right outside of our hotel can be quite the beguiling prospect.

 

One of my cohort members posted a news article in support of the Girl Scouts trans-positive policies (in accepting trans children into their fold). The responses were positive, with the notable exception of one. This one came from a woman who had previously made snide comments about my using the women's restroom, who routinely botched my pronoun preferences, but we'd talked and I thought I had reached her. Unfortunately, her vitriolic comments lead me to believe I've made no inroads against her transphobia.

 

The point of this missive isn't to repeat her words - it is to recount how I took away their power over me so I can again look forward to my trip.

 

Reading her words, I felt angry. I literally shook. Anticipating attending an intensive with even a handful of people who feel so strongly against my right to exist was not at all pleasant for me. I was called to fire off a nasty response of my own. I am good at crafting nasty responses.

 

But I looked at the fish hook sticker affixed to my workplace. Shenpa. I was biting onto anger again - hard. I made a deal with myself that I'd sit whenever I was able to discern my fixation with the hook.

 

Sitting wasn't easy. Angry thoughts kept intruding. Then I let them. I "examined" them. They dissipated, and I Sat with my breath. I Sat for about twenty minutes (this seems to be the right amount of time for most of my Sitting).

 

The issue, transphobia, didn't go away. My anger didn't leave. Howerver, my anger didn't get to drive the Riki car. I wrote a logical, strong, friendly response to my cohort's ignorance. I began to again look forward to seeing my friends and colleagues at the coming intensive - not to mention the Pacific Ocean!

 

Yeah, pending transphobia does foment angst. It does that to me (for now). But, like anger, angst doesn't get to drive the Riki car. If these emotions make another pass at drivin' I'll Sit. I take Refuge in Sitting. It is always there, awaiting use.

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Tags: Practice, Shenpa, Sitting, Transphobia

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Comment by Riki Sarah Dennis on February 13, 2012 at 6:25pm

Grad school can end? I thought it was the only aspect of my life beyond impermanence. I'd best re-visit the dharma... :o)

Comment by Carter (PDN Admin) on February 13, 2012 at 10:18am

Cool.  I'd love to talk some time.  I am not in grad school anymore, so not doing research.  I have a close friend in Atlanta who's a transexual lesbian.

warmly,

Carter

Comment by Riki Sarah Dennis on February 8, 2012 at 5:57pm

Re: "I learned a lot in my research and there were some great conversations between trans-people, homo-people and hetero-people.

BTW do you have your own blog?"

Not at this time. I am in my final semester of coursework in a PhD program, which seems to mean I will write papers until I drop. It is a visceral reminder that impermanence can equate to hope.

If you ever want to talk with a transexual lesbian whose deepest aspiration is to take Vows of Refuge, I have Skype and a land line. :o)

Comment by Carter (PDN Admin) on February 8, 2012 at 1:45pm

Hi Riki,

I appreciate this post a lot.  I did my "Ethics" final paper in theology school on integrating transgendered persons into social institutions.  I learned a lot in my research and there were some great conversations between trans-people, homo-people and hetero-people.

BTW do you have your own blog?

Comment by Riki Sarah Dennis on January 21, 2012 at 12:50am

So far this intensive has been sans transphobia - I even got a couple of heart-felt apologies from some folks from the last intensive. Portland's rain has followed me, but it is combining with the crashing surf in a relaxing way. Also, I have some Sitting buddies. This makes me feel less alone in my Pracice - kind of like I have a temporary Sangha, nu?

<bowing>

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